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Screen-plays!

Untitled

A short film with some working title:
The Scene: The Mines of Middle Ear
We see a small naïve fellowship of Tolkien Discussion threaders trying to find their way through the mysterious board’s threads.

Calan: (looking nervously around) It doesn’t look like a LOTR discussion board.
Dumenelion: It’s not a discussion board. It’s a FAN FICTION board!!!
(The horrified party looks around the darkened board and sees thousands of squashed threads with administrative warnings marked all over them).
Ultchuk: Yrch!!
Whirledtraveler: Cautious now. There are older and fouler things than Inklings on the dark pages of this place.

The companions hear tapping that sounds like a keyboard.

Ultchuk: INKLINGS!!!
Calan: Close this thread!!! Hurry!!!
Dumenelion and Whirledtraveler rush to close it but before dozens of entries start pouring through.)
Whirledtraveler huffs to Dumenelion: They even have a Limerick for crying out loud!
Calan: begin a discussion about who is older Treebeard or Bombadil. Defend yourselves. Discuss!
The brave band of discussion threaders, become surrounded and just as it looks like hope is lost, there is a mighty roar and all the inklings run away.)
Dumenelion: What is this new devilry?

Calan:(looking weary) It is a board writer from the ANCIENT times ...pre-humor, pre-movies. It is an admin!!! Run this foe is beyond any of you!!!

(The party hightails it in the direction away from the advancing admin. With steam pouring from its ears.
Admin: YOU SHALL NOT FAN FIC! YOU SHALL NOT PARODY!

(Admin swings and links Calan to her website)
Calan: DISCUSS, YOU FOOLS!!
(Seeing Calan plunge into the fan fiction void, the rest find barely enough energy to escape.).

By: Whirledtraveller

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Untitled

This reporter was provided with a top secret project in the works. It is a script for an upcoming televised account of the last moments of the infamous tale of the One Ring and Mt. Doom. Not only is this a scoop for our newspaper, but the beloved Black Adder boys (Black Adder and Baldrick will be playing the heroic roles of Sam and Frodo). The excitement throughout our offices caused work to cease for a few days. So for you perusal, we now bring the script:

Scene - Mordor, near the mouth of Udun. FRODO and SAM are standing on a dusty road looking in dismay at a huge column of Orcs in the middle distance advancing rapidly towards them. They realise that they can neither outdistance the Orcs nor hide from them. Capture seems to be inevitable.

FRODO-Bugger! Who would have thought that it would end like this eh, Sam?

SAM-Don’t worry Mister Frodo. I have a cunning plan!

FRODO (wearily)- Oh I see. Is this as cunning as your plan to walk straight into Mordor because that is the last thing that Sauron would expect?

SAM- It’s much more cunning than that!

FRODO- Is it as cunning as your plan to let Gollum guide us through the mountains?

SAM- Well maybe not as cunning as that, Mister Frodo.

FRODO- Exactly how cunning is this plan then?

SAM- It’s more cunning than Cunning Jack McCunning, the all-Shire champion of "Mr. Cunning, 1253 TA".

FRODO- Well Sam, and I say this with a deep sense of foreboding, you may as well tell me your plan. At least my last five minutes in this world will be filled with the knowledge that there is one creature to whom I am utterly superior.

SAM- Who’s that, Mister Frodo?

FRODO- Never mind... just tell me the details of this most cunning of plans.

SAM- Right. Well you see these little slugs all over the plain?

FRODO- Yeeesss...?

SAM- Well we each take two slugs.

FRODO- Yes

SAM- And we put one in each nostril.

FRODO- And then what do we do?

SAM- Nothing - that’s it.

FRODO- So let me get this straight. Your plan is... to stand here with a slug up each nostril and wait for the Orcs to reach us.

SAM- Yes.

FRODO- Ah. Now I think I see the fatal flaw in this plan. And I use the word "fatal" in its most literal sense. When the Orcs reach us they will see two Hobbits with slugs up their noses and hack us into a thousand pieces.

SAM- That’s the cunning bit.

FRODO- What is?

SAM (Conspiratorially)- They will be so busy looking at the slugs up our noses... that they won’t notice that we are Hobbits! They will think that we are two Orcs and we will be able to follow them.

FRODO- Congratulations Sam! Of all the plans you have devised, this, even by your rather dismal standards, has to be the most dim-witted, contemptible, hare-brained, despicable excuse for a plan I have ever heard! (Picking up two slugs) It’s worth a try.

Scene cuts - five minutes later the two Hobbits are walking in the midst of a thousand Orcs. The Orcs take little notice of them except to occasionally glance at the slugs in their nostrils.

FRODO- These orcs must be even more stupid than you Sam - it seems to have worked!

SAM- See Mister Frodo.

FRODO- Yes Sam, I take everything back! It looks like we might come through all this after all. Well done!

FRODO gives SAM a hearty slap on the back which send the two slugs up SAM’s nostrils flying.

ORC- You’ve lost your slugs there mate. Just a minute - you’re not an Orc!

The Orcs stop walking and gather around SAM in a threatening manner.

SAM- Ulp! It looks like we’re done for, Mister Frodo!

FRODO- What do you mean, "we"? (shouts) Get the Hobbit lads!

By: Whirledtraveller

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Waiting for Mandos

Estra-orc

Vladimordor

A road. A boulder. Evening.

Estra-orc, sitting on a the boulder, is trying to take off his boot. He pulls at it with both hands, panting. He gives up, exhausted, rests, tries again.

As before.

Enter Vladimordor

ESTRA-ORC: (giving up again). Nothing to be done.

VLADIMORDOR: (advancing with short, stiff strides, legs wide apart). I’m beginning to come round to that opinion. (He broods, musing on the struggle. Turning to Estra-orc.) So there you are again.

ESTRA-ORC: Am I?

VLADIMORDOR: I’m glad to see you back. I thought you were gone forever.

ESTRA-ORC: Me too.

VLADIMORDOR: Together again at last! (they shake hand. The leaves rustle)

What is that noise? They make a noise like wings.
ESTRA-ORC: Like leaves.
Silence.
VLADIMORDOR: They all speak at once.
ESTRA-ORC: Each one to itself.
Silence.
VLADIMORDOR: Rather they whisper.
ESTRA-ORC: They rustle.
Silence.
VLADIMORDOR: What do they say?
ESTRA-ORC: They talk about their lives.
VLADIMORDOR: To have lived is not enough for them.
ESTRA-ORC: They have to talk about it.
VLADIMORDOR: To be dead is not enough for them.
ESTRA-ORC: It is not sufficient.
Silence.

ESTRA-ORC: What do we do now?

VLADIMORDOR: Wait for Mandos. (Estra-orc groans. Silence.)
ESTRA-ORC: And if he doesn’t come?
VLADIMORDOR: (after a moment of bewilderment). We’ll see when the time comes.
ESTRA-ORC: What do we do now?
VLADIMORDOR: Insult each other. Hobbit!
ESTRA-ORC: Elf!
VLADIMORDOR: MAN!

ESTRA-ORC: OH!!! What will you say to him?

VLADIMORDOR: Was I sleeping, while the others suffered? Am I sleeping now? Tomorrow, when I wake, or think I do, what shall I say of today ? That with Estra-orc my friend, at this place, until the fall of night, I waited for Mandos? (Estra-orc, having struggled with his boots in vain, is dozing off again. Vladimordor looks at him.) He’ll know nothing. He’ll tell me about the blows he received and I’ll give him a carrot. (Pause.) Astride of a grave and a difficult birth. Down in the hole, lingeringly, the grave digger puts on the forceps. We have time to grow old . The air is full of our cries . ( He listens .) But habit is a great deadener. (He looks again at Estra-orc.)

Silence.

ESTRA-ORC: Yes, let’s go.
VLADIMORDOR: Yes, let’s

They do not move

By: Whirledtraveller

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Untitled

SCENCE: Mordor Information Shop

(The Info Shop, a poorly made wood, dead corspe, hardened lava and bend nails shack stands on the horizion of a black, ash filled landscape, with a few lava pits dotted here and there. The black sky is plastered above it all. The view moves moves forward and into the shack itself. Various posters depiccting must see sites, such as Mount Doom and the Geat Ash Pit of Angmar. A cracked window overlooks a wooden desk, with a troll sitting boredly at it. He’s throwing darts at a picture of Legolas)

LW: Sigh. This job stinks. And pointless. Not that anyone would visit this fair land. They all have their fancy Rivendell’s and Shires. Apparently wer’e too "rough" and we can’t be "trusted". Is it a crime to brutally slaughter a manling, pull out their organs to use as water carriers and then serve dem up as top grade broth? Well, is it? Their fault for coming ’ere in da first place. (Throws dart at the picture)

LW: Not so pruddy now, is we? Mind you, all dat One Ring stuff has ruined the tourism in dis fair land. It’s cost businesses to close down and it has made thousands of minion’s jobless! Not to mention the bad reputation it’s given us. We just want to rule the world, so just leave us alone. (Throws a dart at the door, it opens and hits a hobbit in the eye)

LW: How may I help you, young, midgety sire?

Hobbit: Taking this dart out of my eye would be a good start.

LW: Sorry, no can do.

Hobbit: Why?

LW: It’s just not right. A troll helping a hobbit? It just doesn’t add up. Look...(LW brings out a blackboard) Hobbit in dire need of help + helping troll= Disrurpting the balance of Arda! I’d rather eat you then help you! (Pokes him) In fact, you’ld go nicely with an Ent Sap Sauce and a side order of Crunchy Elf Ears. (LW dripples)

Hobbit: Please help me.

LW: No.

Hobbit: Please? (Puppy dog eyes)

LW: No.

Hobbit: I’ll be your friend.

LW: No.

Hobbit: Oh, your’e mean.

LW: Exactly why I’m a minion. It’s my job to be mean, One Eyed Jim.

Hobbit: But I’m not one eyed.

LW: (Pulls the eye out on the dart and eats it) Hmmm.... hobbit eyeball. Well, you are now.(Hobbit clasps his eye socket) Such an excitable halfling holidayer like you, must be itching to visit our fine land. Let’s get down to work- may I suggest the Hotel of Sorcery. (Brings out prochere) The rooms are only 5 elf ears a night, with room service and three dayly meals. It got 5 stars in Mordor’s Which Hotel magazine...

Hobbit: (Starts to topple, while his blood pours onto the floor) I would like to vist Mordor Genral Hospital...

LW: What’s a hospital? Don’t thinks we have one of those. Besides, anyone would be glad to chop off anything with their teeeth. (Darts towards the hobbit) Don’t want any pain, do we?

Hobbit: Help...

LW: Sorry... it’s my bloodlust. I’m going to Bloodholics Annoymous... theyr’e really helping. I’m making real progress and I’m getting in touch with my "Inner Troll".(The hobbit faints) Oh poop... that’s not good for business. (shoves the body under his desk) I know what’s gonna be in my sandwiches tomorra...

By: Lord Wormtongue

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Foo-foo Orc

Durgburk (Orc)
Estellio (Elf)
The great Goblin (yeah.. the one that died in The Hobbit)

The Scence:
An orc invaded into Rivendell, because he fell in love with the elven maiden Estellio. He now tries to win her heart and he’s gone all foo-foo..

D: When seeing your beauty, the silmarills faded away, you’re prettier then a mutated head!
Estellio pukes.
D: Will you marry me in Mordor?
E: M.. Mooordor?!
D: It’s not as pretty as you, but it’s good enough. The Seven georges will come and eat you if you wont..
E: I care not, for you are foolish..
Seven mad squirrels land from the sky and eat Estellio..
D: I warned you..

Durgburk walks home, being sad and gets a hug from the great Goblin.

GG: What happend to you?
D: I ran into an elf.. *snif*
GG: not again.. *points at celing*

The celing is filled with elf corpses.
D: I know.. I’m a bad boy!

D kills himself..

By: Vanwa Quen

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The Orc who loved bunnies

Gurkbar (main orc)
Variouse bunnies
2 other orcs

Scene: Gurkbar was born just outside of Mordor, but when he was young, he somehow found his way out and ran away, surprisingly, he found shelter in a lovely meadow and was raised by bunnies. He now has a love for bunnies that no one can break.

Gurkbar is in a lovely meadow, lying on the grass surrounded by bunnies

Gurkbar: How I love bunnies. They are so fluffy!
He picks one up and pets it, making little cooing/gurgling noises. But spying on him are two orcs sent from Sauron, who were supposed to be looking for prisoners to capture. They are behind a tree looking at him.

Orc# 1: Is that one of ours?? I can’t tell. He’s surrunded by bunnies.
Orc#2: Why yes, I think it is! You know, you would be able to tell better if you wore your glasses.
Orc#1: But I don’t like my glasses! They make my eyes itch.
Orc#2:That is no excuse...

Gurkbar hears the two orcs arguing and looks up. His voice has gotten high pitched from living with bunnies, so the two orcs laugh when he talks.

Gurkbar: Hello! Would you like to join me and pet my bunnies?
Orc#2: Bunnies! What on earth are you doing with bunnies!?
Gurkbar: But, what do you mean? They are my friends. They lick my toes clean, nuzzle me with their noses, and are great for cuddeling. Would you like to hold one?

The two orcs laugh and then whisper to eachother.

Orc#1:Alright. Thank you.

They inch closer to the bunnies, and suddenly, they eat them! Gurkbar gasps.

Gurkbar: Death shalll come to all those who eat my friends!

Two orcs stop eating and look at him with fear.

Orc#1: Ummm, we didnt mean to! They just looked all yummy!

They run, Gurkbar chasing after them.

Orc#2:Now look what you’ve done! He’s angry!
Orc#1:Me? It was your idea to eat them. I did feel sorry though, I felt their soft fur as I tore them to peices.
Orc#2: You arent going soft are you?
Orc#1: No no! Is he gaining on us?
Orc#2: If you wore your glasses you would know!
Orc#1: Not again!

Gurkbar finally catches up and throws them to the ground.

Gurkbar:I shall give you one more chance to live. I will spare you if you come and live with me and my bunnies.

Orc#2 laughs

Orc#1:Alright.
Orc#2: What!!?
Gurkbar: Lovely!

Gurkbar and Orc#1 skip off hand in hand.

Orc#2: Now that was disturbing.

Gurkbar and the other orc reached the bunnies and sat on the grass and played. Never having to worry about anything again.

By: Anna the Great

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Untitled

Characters
Rogtuk- orc, he owns an armoury
Fagash- orc, he owns a pub
Takuro- Cave troll that’s shopping
Äklera- More minion-like than foo-foo elf that’s shopping
Frank- Hobbit that’s shopping

Rogtuk sat on a stool at the bar of Fagash’s pub. He had decided to take a break from forging weapons and have a drink with his friend, Takuro. Upon entering the pub, Rogtuk noticed a foo-foo elf and a hobbit. He had smiled gleefully, thinking the hobbit at least would be his next meal.
Having forged weapons for a long time, he had the best and strongest. This was good for him, but bad for any who got in his way. Rogtuk glanced at the hobbit every now and then to make sure he didn’t leave. He got an idea and waved the hobbit over to him, pulling up a chair.
Rogtuk: Helo, little hobbit. What brings you here?
Rogtuk ordered a three drinks, one for the hobbit, one for him, and one for Takuro. Takuro took his drink and walked towards the elf, leaving the orc and hobbit alone.
Frank: I’m just doing a bit of shopping.
Frank took a sip of the drink tentatively, thinking the orc must have poisoned it. He was surprised when he found that is was indeed not poisoned. Frank had some other suspicions, though. He had never before heard of an orc being nice to a hobbit.
Rogtuk: Well, hobbit, what be your name? You can’t go by hobbit to everyone.
Frank: My name is Frank. And what is yours?
Rogtuk: The name be Rogtuk, weapon and armour forger.
The hobbit and orc got into a very long conversation about very pointless things.

Meanwhile...
Takuro ordered another drink, this one for the elf. The elf didn’t look hald bad, in Takuro’s opinion. She wasn’t all foo-fooey like the rest. Kinda acted like a minion. He smiled at the elf, showing brown and yellow teeth. Takuro reached in his pocket and pulled out a jar of eyeballs.
Takuro: Hobbit eyes, want some?
To his surprise, the elf grabbed the jar and wolfed down a few eyes. Äklera smiles back to the cave troll, showing perfectly white teeth stained with blood from the eyes. She took the drink he had offered her and sat down near him.
Äklera: Thanks for the eyes and drinks, your filthyness.
Takuro: No need for thanks. Just a name.
The cave troll wiggled his eyebrows up and down at the elf, who blushed and giggled in response. Never before had she been hit-on by a minion. Only elves and men. Made a nice change.
Äklera: My name is Äklera. And what is yours?
Takuro: Takuro be my name.
Takuro and Äklera talked for a few minutes, before Takuro grasping the elf in his arms and leading her to his cave where he could better get to know her. In his mind, this meant pain and torture.

Back with the orc and hobbit...
The drink had a high alcohol content and was starting to get to the hobbit. His words were slurred and he spoke slower.
Rogtuk took advantage of the hobbit’s light-headedness to pull and axe out from behind his back. He also drew a dagger, which he stabbed the hobbit in the eye with. He pulled out the dagger and ate the eyeball, then did the same to the other. The orc delivered a blow with the axe to the screaming hobbit, which killed him instantly. Rogtuk handed the hobbit over to Fagash, to have him cook it. When the hobbit was cooked to Rogtuk’s preference, he ate the leg and one of the arms, leaving the rest for a few others in the pub. He left the pub and walked down the road
where he heard high-pitched shrieks comming from Takuro’s cave. They sounded female, and elven...

By: Urkag

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"A common dilemma for an orc"

(foo foo elf)Egonwe
(hobbit) Slapdinger Took
(Orc) Thrakburtzg

After many hours of hunting Thrakburtzg found a stray elf and hobbit to eat, but he can only eat one per night because he needs to watch his weight, So Thrak must finda way to choose who is to be eaten first.

Thrak: Well now you both shall die who wishes to die first?
(both Egon and Slap) *they both nod no*
Thrak: Well then we must have a contest...
Egon: What kinda contest?
Thrak: one that will send shivers down your spine...
Slap: ok let’s hear it.
Thrak: Well my friends it has to do with food.
Slap: Really?
Thrak: *laughs evilly* oh yes it does nieve hobbit, you both MUST eat what I say to eat, and the one to either refuse or barf up what I give them to eat will be eaten today thmeselves, but for my enjoyment youm mustnt know what you are eating at first. * So Thrak blindfolds the two and hands them each a disgusting plate of viddles.
Slap: *Slap gets a handful of what is on the plate and stuffs into his mouth,* it is long and stringy and wet what is it and it tastes a bit gritty.
Thrak: It is a bunch of maggots covered in pus and mucous
Slap: trying so hard to keep it in his mouth but still not knowing that what he his actually eating is nothing more than wet noodles, but with him not seeing it it seems like it could very well be mucous and pus covered maggots.
Thrak: Ok elf your turn *decides to reverse his actions on the elf, and clips off 5 humoungus green and yellow toenails filled with mold and fungi.* Here you go now eat!
Egon: Hmm well yes I know exactly what these are!
Thrak: you do .....how did you know they were my toenails!?
Egon: Toenails? ya right! I tell you what these are the tangiest potato chips I have ever eaten!

By: Duncirith

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Ten Minutes and counting…

<The scene is a rugged landscape, a path leads up, a mountain perhaps. There is some light, but it appears to be filtered, as if by very heavy clouds, a deep rumbling is heard. There are occasional flashes of lightning, during these flashes, a tower can be seen in the background, there appears to be a red orb on top of the tower. Two Orcs appear, one is tall with long hair, the other, short and stocky. They both carry swords and shields, the handles of their swords are in the fashion of leering monstrous heads, the helms they wear have the legend of a red eye upon them. The tall one is in the front, with the short one trying not to step on the footprints of the tall one. They look in opposite directions, muttering something inaudible. Suddenly, the short one snorts, the tall one whips around, he has had enough!>

Tall: What was that Shilzakh?
Short/Shilzakh: I’m still not talking to you Grindhar.
Grindhar: Well, neither am I.

Shilzakh: I’m not talking unless you want me to.
Grindhar:<without looking back> Well, neither am I.

<Both stop at the same instant, Grindhar turns around. Shilzakh muffles his giggle, but is unsuccessful in the attempt, and guffaws loudly, joined by Grindhar>

Grindhar:<stops to catch his breath> I know what you think, old buddy. Two of the highest decorated soldiers of the elite Black Uruks, and here we are, walking on this pile of ash and stone, instead of fighting in the west.
Shilzakh:<slaps Grindhar’s back> Aye, you are right buddy, as always.

<They laugh and start walking together>

Grindhar: Big going ones at the gates they say.
Shilzakh: Ar, the army expected today, hear most of the big bosses are there, as are the best troops.
Grindhar: Aye, but what use be troops if the generals be asses.
Shilzakh: Don’t know what you mean, I think the army is in safe hands.
Grindhar:<snorts> So they said before the attack.
Shilzakh: Ar, what happened though, I was in Lugburz at the time.
Grindhar: Well it started out pretty well, then Number One had to lose his head and make Gothmog the second in command. This was his first attempt at this sort of thing, even though he is an old hand, but it went to his head, you should have seen that Gothmog, thinking he was Him himself, ‘You Kurzhir will attach theah, and you Surnir, blimy old chap, pay attention, we are fighting a blowdy was heah’
Shilzakh:<eager for more> Go on, what next?
Grindhar: Well, he turned the defenses upside down and inside out. We were defending the walls from the outside. There was a rumor that the horse masters were going to be there any moment, and it had just had to be true.
Shilzakh:<eagerly> Go on.
Grindhar:<irritably> What’s there to go on about? Before we had any idea, there was a horn, and then, then roof fell in. With a yell of ‘Jingle Bells’, the horse masters were through with us.
Shilzakh: Jingle Bells?
Grindhar: Yes, that’s right.
Shilzakh: Jingle Bells?
Grindhar:<conceding> All right all right, it could have been ‘Silent night’ for all I care.
Shilzakh: Well, I am glad you got out alive.

<they walk in complete silence>

Grindhar:<mutters in disgust> ‘see that every thing is safe, He may go there tomorrow, see if the path is still there, see if this, see if that….’
Shilzakh: I am sorry?
Grindhar:<frustrated> I’m tired of walking, I’m tired of climbing this silly volcano. My feet hurt.
Shilzakh:<incredulously> His feet hurt!!
Grindhar: Why do we have to walk?
Shilzakh:<cleverly> Since we have no wings, therefore we cannot fly, therefore we must walk.
Grindhar:<impatiently> How about riding?
Shilzakh:<puzzled> Riding? Riding what?
Grindhar:<losing control> Look at the Orc, just look ate him!!!<imitating Shilzakh> Riding? Riding what? Horses you fool, Horses.
Shilzakh:<cleverly> And where are they to come from?
Grindhar:<even more cleverly> The stables, where else?
Shilzakh: Oh really? Well, let me tell you this, the Orcs are allowed only the brown ones. There were three in the stables, one, the trolls ate, one, the wolves ate, and one was let loose for trying to eat Nhurkim.

Grindhar:<intrigued> Eat him! How?
Shilzakh: Well, Nhurkim was on guard duty on the stable roof, and some of the younger lads decided that the only way to cure him of his temple was to push him in the stable from the roof. The plan was carried out to the last detail, and when all was over, the horse clearly did not mind the dietary supplement in the form of Nhurkim, and bit him on the nose.

<They both laugh>

Shilzakh:<wiping his eyes> Well, the lads were disappointed. Nhurkim was cursing away like his usual self. You should have seen him with her Ladyship that day.

Grindhar: When?
Shilzakh: Oh, it was this business with her ladyship. Me, Nhurkim and Mulsak had orders to lead a group of twenty Tarks to her Ladyship. Guess what happened, we led them in, a score of them, neatly tied and delivered to her doorsteps, and she left them alone and came after us.

Grindhar: And what did you do?
Shilzakh: What else, we ran. Lugburz non stop. He was so worked up, he had thought that the Tarks had assaulted us from over the mountains. Wasn’t too pleased about this whole business, we never heard the end of it.

Grindhar: Lemme have a drink.
Shilzakh: Drink? Oh sure. <absently gives him a blue flask>

Grindhar:<absently takes a sip> Thanks, though if I didn’t know better, I’d say this water tastes funny, almost like beer.
Shilzakh:<suddenly brightening> Say, have you ever tasted the brew made by the lads in Moria? Best there is. <drinks from the blue flask>

Grindhar:<narrowing his eyes in suspicion> Moria>? All the years I have known you, you never mentioned Moria.
Shilzakh: Listen me out, what I’m telling you is absolutely hot stuff. This was a secret mission, and we ain’t supposed to tell nobody, but I think its ok to tell you.

Grindhar:<eagerly> Go on.
Shilzakh: Ok, remember old Greybeard? Well Lugburz had word that him and his elfish bodyguard was passing through Moria, to reach that cursed elfish city. Me and a score of other lads, selected by Number One himself, and the fire demon had orders from Him to let us be, well, we were there. We watched them in the mines, watching their every move. And one day, they were there, in a room, ready for the taking. A well went up to the room, and me and the lads were in it, in ambush, climbing up. Had them unawares, I was in the lead, and know what they did? Chucked boulders! They started chucking boulders in! One landed right on my face, and I lost my grip, we came down like a pile of skulls. The lads downstairs weren’t too happy either, the one I landed on, he was banging his hammer on everything in sight! The assault was delayed, and we had to clear out, and by the last reports, not only did they come out safe, they also took down the fire demon. Lugburz wasn’t very happy about it, neither was Number One, and so, Number Three was blamed, and we all had a personal interview with him. Nar, I still get the creeps thinking about that.

Grindhar:<sniggering> You think you folks had it hard? Remember that young rascal Grishnakh? Well, he found out about His ring.
Shilzakh:<surprised> How? That’s top secret, only a handful of Orcs know of that, and he ain’t one of ‘em.

Grindhar: Well you know old slimy. He used to hang around the Nazgul’s changing chamber, listening for anything that might help him. That’s how. Number Seven and Eight had a pretty long conference on the topic with Him when He found out. Lushkul was on tower duty, he heard it all. The Mouth was having a pretty tough time keeping up. He did all the talking, you know how he loves to talk.<grins>Lushkul got this out though, when He has His ring, first name on the list of executions is of the fool who let it go on the river three thousand years ago, and then, Seven and Eight, and He will personally see it done. Oh, he has their numbers all right. <chuckles>
Shilzakh:<suddenly uncomfortable> Oh yes, that day. The day it got away.

Grindhar: What’s the matter with you? You are sweating. Something on in that bile filled bucket you call your head?
Shilzakh:<hurriedly> Oh nothing nothing.<wipes his forehead> Just a passing heaviness.

Grindhar: Yeah, I feel it too, lets just sit down for a while, we are at the something-Naur anyway.
Shilzakh:<cautiously> There is something I have been meaning to tell you, you will have to keep this really secret.

Grindhar: Sure.
Shilzakh: I was there Grindhar, three thousand years ago, I was there, on the day the strength of the goblins failed.

Grindhar:<confused> What are you blabbering about.
Shilzakh: Three thousand years ago, I was sent on a mission, a mission to assassinate the king of Tarks before they marched here, I failed. To get my revenge, I tried to assassinate his son and new king after the battle. I followed him to the borders of their lands, and when they marched, I trailed them. I witnessed the attack by the goblins. I had taken a goblin archer with me, we trailed the king as he fled wearing His ring, and when he came out like a water demon, we shot at him, but we missed. And do you know why we missed? Because two cursed Halflings had to appear at that time, singing! Singing! Can you believe it, a battle not far away, hundreds dead, and they sang! They sang and they made us miss. We missed! Can you believe it, we missed because of two singing Halflings!<breaks down and cries>

Grindhar: There there. <pats his head> It could have happened to anybody, now now, big Orcs don’t cry, come on woolie woolie woo, tooshie tooshie.
Shilzakh:<composes himself> Oh hang it, let go of me.<suddenly, pricks his ears and listens> Listen.

Grindhar: <gets up> Yeah, inside the cave, come on!

<Both of them run in, panting>

Shilzakh:<mutters in disgust> Halflings.

Grindhar: Ar, two of them, time for your revenge.
Shilzakh:<brightens up> Yeah you are right, <grins evilly> lets get them.

Grindhar: Right, pass me the poison flask.
Shilzakh: Here. <passes him a red flask>

Grindhar: Thanks. <looks at the flask, puzzled> The Blue one you oaf, not the red one, the red one is water, the blue one is the poison.
Shilzakh:<shaking> B-b-blue one is the P-poison?

Grindhar: Yes, now hurry u..<the full impact of the situation hits him>

<They both fall down, gasping for air, but Shilzakh has taken out a crossbow from underneath his cloak, and has dipped it into the poison.>

Shilzakh: I will h-have m-my revenge.

Grindhar: Hurry Br-brother, I-I c-can see three instead of t-two.

<Shilzakh shoots, at the same instant, both of them breath their last, the arrow speed on, hitting a dancing figure who with a long last wail of “Precious…….” is lost into the mouth of the volcano.>

By: Korvus

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